Lack of correction

I’ve been slacking on my protocols, but Master hasn’t noticed. Or maybe he has but doesn’t care. I know he’s been tired and busy lately, so have I, but I don’t know how to feel. 

I’m the one who requested higher protocols, if it would please Master. He told me it would and it lasted a few weeks but has faded. I don’t know if I should bring it up to him or not. If it’s something he would rather not worry about then that’s okay, I don’t need to have those protocols. I should be doing them anyway, because we previously discussed them and as a slave it is expected. However, when I failed to meet a protocol Master didn’t react at all and it made me feel like they don’t matter. 

It’s been a consistent week now without me abiding to the protocol of telling Master where I am at all times and nothing has been said. He never responded when I did tell him, and I slipped last week a few times in one day. I was going to confess my transgretion to Master, but because I sort of requested the higher protocol I’m not sure it pleases him or matters. 

This all shouldn’t be a big deal, I just need to talk with Master about it but I haven’t found the right time. Honestly I think this lack of correction is what has spiraled me into this funk I’m in. I feel like Master doesn’t want the added layer of dominance I requested. As his slave I don’t want to do things that don’t please Master. It makes everything unfulfilling. I don’t want him to put the protocols in place just for me, I need to know he wants them. 

This is weighing on me now. I know I haven’t been myself lately. With everything going on I wasn’t sure exactly the cause but this has to be it. I can deal with the everyday of my life on a normal basis, even when it gets a little crazy. But when I’m not kept on track with Master it affects me before I realize. I’ve been trying to bear these burdens on my own without sharing with Master. ..not good. The thing is I get so torn, not wanting to burden him! 

We will discuss all of it soon I hope. That’s the only thing that will help, until then I’ll try to relax. 

Master’s guidance

I’ve been moody lately. On edge and just not myself. Master noticed and asked me about it. I told him I feel like I’m all over the place. I don’t have a center, all of my emotions are out of whack and they’re slapping people around me. It’s very unlike me to be so touchy. 
Master consistently works on trying to get me to say my thoughts and understand my feelings, this case was no different. After a bit of talking it through I told him I think I might need more guidance and stability from him but that I feel selfish for it. See Master has had a lot of things come to the surface with his health lately. Thank goodness it’s nothing life threatening but it’s troublesome none the less. 

Of course I just want him to be well and I haven’t wanted to add any unneeded stress or make him feel like he’s failing me in any way. The last thing I want is to cause any uneasiness. I’m his slave, I want to take care of his every need, not add to what he’s going through. 

After he got me talking he said this, “just because I’m going through some things doesn’t mean you should keep quiet. I own you, and I take care of you”. 

He’s right of course, and I know I shouldn’t keep things bottled up. It always makes me feel better to let them out. Master needs to know what I’m feeling even if I find it hard to tell him. 

I admit I need Master. I don’t think that shows weakness, I think it shows awareness. I know I need his kind of guidance. At times like this I am thankful to have him force me to put my emotions into words. To not be clouded by my own mind. The relief of surrendering can be felt in many facets. 

Some days

There are days that I can go to work, endure treatment from some terrible people, then go home and brush it off, but not today. 

I am still getting over my sickness so my body is achy and sore and I was not in the mood to deal with anyone’s shit. 

We had a shoplifter that fled by car; as I was getting the license plate number he ran into me with his car!! I’m completely fine but the fact that they were going to run me over for a few items REALLY pisses me off. Like, who thinks that’s okay?! It’s not like he didn’t see me, I was standing in front of his car. He was staring at me as he pushed my body out of the way. 

Part of me wants to press charges but the rest of me doesn’t want to deal with the hassle… I need to unwind and relax. Urgggggg people make me so angry. Get a fucking job like the rest of us and EARN things. Don’t just take them. 

Change of plans

Tonight was supposed to be a night of alone time for Master and I. Unfortunately, last night I got incredibly sick so the plans for a pain session are off the table. Instead Master is coming over to give me much needed TLC, which I will gladly take. I am exhausted and hurting even though the vomiting is over.  

In Master’s words, ‘I want to baby you’.  Ahhhh that sounds lovely. Wish I wasn’t sick, but I will enjoy this. 

Working on it

Well, it happened again… Not that I thought it would never come up, but it still makes me disappointed. 

I had mentioned the problem of Master and I having different expectations sometimes and tonight is one of those nights. 

This past week was filled with crazy hours for me at work and Master did two double shifts so I haven’t seen him too much. This is kinda rare for us, normally I see him almost everyday.

So, tonight we knew I would come over after work because he had the day off. After our extended time apart I tend to assume that Master will use me at some point in the night but that wasn’t the case. 

We started watching some videos on YouTube and talked about after finishing the movie we would get a snack and he would brush my hair. But then Master fell asleep..which blows my mind because he slept for 12 hours and through most of the day as it is. 

I know he must be tired, and I want him to rest and be at his best, but, I’m disappointed that he fell asleep before brushing my hair. And I know I won’t be used tonight, which is a bummer. 

I shouldn’t complain about such trivial things, but in the moment it still gets to me. Master didn’t do it on purpose and that makes me feel guilty for my disappointment. 

It’s not the absence of particular things that affects me, it’s the build up of expectations and subsequent letdown. It’s something I need to work on so that Master knows what’s going on in my mind and I don’t get hurt.

Back to normal?

Master and I were on different pages regarding aftercare following our last session. He had done some breath play, face slapping, and was praising me for being such a filthy whore. Obviously I loved it, it’s wonderful transforming into a mindless slut that can’t get enough of Master’s cock.

Now, we get a little rough in most of our sexy time but this night was much different. It was a very long scene with a lot of talk from Master and more physical domination in restricting me. I felt completely used and exhausted at the end which Master did not anticipate. He was going to continue the movie and be his normal goofy self.

I tried to pull myself together, putting a lot of effort into being smiley and present. I really didn’t know what I needed at the time or what I wanted. My mind was somewhere else,I had given that control to Master. That’s when I look to him to guide me and in this instance he wasn’t gently guiding me back, he was throwing me up and into reality when I wasn’t ready.

The problem is I hadn’t communicated this to Master. He had no idea I was struggling inside and I didn’t have the strength or awareness to tell him.

We talked about my different needs and that sometimes I need different care than others. However, in the moment I won’t necessarily be able to tell him which one I need. Master easily recognizes my needs after pain sessions or other planned out scenes, but this one just happened on the fly and I know he didn’t expect me to go so far into subspace.

All of my pent up emotions flowed out as tears last night after we talked about all of it. I didn’t know exactly why I started crying, Master had been understanding and the scene had happened the day before but I wept into the sheets regardless.

Unfortunately, my tears brought feelings of guilt. I felt needy and high maintenance. I know Master doesn’t like seeing sad tears from me and I didn’t want to feel weak. I blurted all of this out in a slightly coherent manner and Master started chuckling which caused another wave to come crashing down on me… all until he lifted my chin and said, “Slave, it’s my responsibility to take care of you, you will never be too needy or high maintenance, you are mine and I love you more than anything”.

I know these things, but in my fragile state I need to hear them. This one scene has helped me grow immensely. I’ve learned what I wanted most after that play was his undivided attention. I wanted to lay in his arms and feel his skin on mine without any interruptions.

I do feel mostly back to normal now, but the soreness in my muscles is a constant reminded that I enjoy yet am tormented by.

Aftercare for the unbroken

Master and I had a very intense play session tonight. I will probably write about it in detail later, because it was so wonderful, but I am focused on a different issue at the moment. 

Aftercare. When I am used intensely and have been teetering on the edge of subspace it is very hard for me to jump back into a normal headspace. I am left in a sort of fog. 

I don’t have anything to say, I don’t find humor in anything, I don’t even know what to do with myself, I just want to lay down and bask in the haze.

Master on the other hand can go from using me like a good whore to laughing about some obscure thing he saw on the Internet earlier. It’s so contradictory to the state of mind I’ve been left in. 

Master is normally great with taking care of me and tries to be attentive all the time but there have been sessions that leave me trying to claw my way back to normal. I need him to help bring me back. 

I explained all of this to him and he understands that I need his help with recovering but I don’t know what exactly it is I need in those moments. 

We will be exploring together what the best kind of aftercare is for when I haven’t been broken but I’m still in an altered state of mind. 

Have any of you met this conflict? 

Thank you, and oops!

First, I want to tell you all how much it means to me to have you follow this blog and read my thoughts. I never thought I would have as much support as you all have given and it means the world, thank you. 🙂 

I realized recently that some of the amazing blogs I follow were not giving me email updates. I have since updated all my settings so that I get instant emails about all of your wonderful updates. I can’t believe I’ve been missing out. Guess I have some reading to do!

What I didn’t know I needed

Master fucked me hard tonight when I arrived at his house. Afterward we went into usual hang out mode. But before long I asked him if I could touch myself. 

He made me say out loud what I wanted, which makes me shy, and he laid next to me watching me play with my pussy. 

It all became a bit much for him I think because he ended up fucking me again in the middle of my touching. He came again and then when I rolled off of him he ordered me to cum. 

Mmmm I reached my climax as he was biting my nipple and sucking at the piercing. I came pretty hard while I was nestled against him.

He told me what a good girl I was and that he loved the show I put on for him. 

That’s when he rolled me onto my stomach and began using my body however he liked. Every sensation is on overdrive after I cum and Master was pounding me harder than I expected. Tucking my arms behind my back and laying on them so I had no where to go. 

It’s been a while since he fucked me silly and I loved laying there after in a haze, his third cum deposit dripping out of me. 

I didn’t realize how much I needed to have my body used roughly. I love when he gives me exactly what I need before I even realize.

Mmmm I still feel a little out of my head even though I need to start an overnight shift at work. I will enjoy feeling my tender pussy as I bustle around working. 

Feeling the love

Last night Master and I made beautiful love…sweet, passionate, tender..exactly what I needed. 

The day had been long and with little sleep I was very tired. I planned on going home to sleep so that I could wake up early for an appointment. Instead I fell asleep next to Master while he played his video game. 

I noticed him come to bed and was so sleepy that I barely moved but he wrapped his arms around me. I heard him whisper how much he loves me and that I don’t ever need to stress about anything because we will always make it through. I fell back to sleep as the happiest girl in the whole world. 

I woke up to my alarm and found that Master had plugged in my phone to charge and laid out my shoes that he washed for me last night. I couldn’t help but smile as I saw him sleeping on the opposite side of his normal spot. He had tucked me in and made sure everything was right for when I woke up. 

I kissed him goodbye and left him to sleep in. I miss him already and it’s only been a few hours…he is always so good to me.